The Terrifying Two

Jaxon is perfect.

No, I don't mean he is some supernatural being who never whines or hits or fusses or screams. Trust me, he has powerful lungs and just as powerful of an attitude for a toddler. Which is honestly understandable I mean, he's only been here for about 20 months. It's taken me a good 24 years just to learn to kind of manage my emotions and reactions.

That being said, what I mean by perfect is despite his struggles, he is still my champion. He is smart [sometimes too smart], he is sensitive, thoughtful and gentle [for the most part], and he adores his father and I. He loves when we give him tasks, he loves when we ask his opinion, he understands more than he can speak and he loves giving random cuddles and kisses. He's friendly, sweet, hilarious and constantly impressing me. He has compassion. He has no judgements. He has opinions but is always open to new things.

He's a better human than most, and he's not even 2 yet.

Jaxon will be a big brother in less than 5 months.
And I have no idea how to handle any of this. I still am not even sure I'm ready for this or really want this. Not that I am or would have second thoughts about this baby. I want this baby and I am just as committed as I was with him.

But I can't comprehend another one that's just as much mine as Jaxon is. I can't imagine having a baby and Jaxon. I can't get a clear picture in my head of even the existence of two children.
And I feel ridiculously guilty about it. 

In my defense, it was kind of the same with my first pregnancy. You can't really prepare for something or fully understand something until you've done it. I've also had a difficult time following through with my appointments. Not because of me, mind you, but other circumstances outside of our control, mainly with the doctors. So I've only heard the heartbeat once for about 3 seconds. I did get to see it, though and have pictures to prove it's a baby in there. But until I start to feel the kicks officially, and hear the heartbeat again, I'm becoming paranoid. Is it still alive? Is this still really happening? Am I doing it right again or am I forgetting something?

Not to mention I'm quite consumed with Jax, which is also a bit different than last time. But that's also probably what helps explain my disconnect. I rarely have time to let this all sink in and spend time with this baby, which sounds crazy since it's literally with me wherever I go. Maybe I am just crazy, who knows.

But I still have fear. What if I unknowingly neglect Jaxon in some areas? Or what if I neglect this baby because I'm still consumed with Jax? What if Jaxon becomes resentful and jealous? What if I fail both of them because I am simply incapable? What if I fall into the depression pit because of my anxiety? There is just so much more to fear this time. It's almost traumatizing.

I know things will change when he or she is finally here. I know it will be hard at first. I can't even fully understand how hard yet, but I know it will be harder than I expect.
I also know that eventually everything will settle down, we'll get into some sort of routine and, by some miracle or two, it will all seem normal. Normal for us, that is.

I am incredibly excited for another baby. I'm excited to breast feed again, crazy as that sounds too. I'm excited to see Jaxon be a big brother. I know he'll be awesome at it.

I just still have no freaking idea what I'm doing. At all. But I have an incredible team working with me. Josh and Jax are the best I could ever hope for. They make everything worth it. I can't wait to complete our beautiful family. My heart is ready to stretch farther than I ever thought it could.

Hopefully it doesn't shatter in the process.


Is This The Right Foot?

I'm just gonna say it.

My life has not come even CLOSE to how I envisioned it when I was a metal band obsessed, poetry writing, self conscious 14 year old.  If someone asked me where I thought I would be in 10 years, I probably would have told you I'd be married to a musician in a band that I manage, with a degree in music business, a successful clothing brand and at least 2 dogs and 5 cats and maybe a baby on the way.

You can probably tell from my profile bio that uh... that's not exactly where I'm at now.

In my 14 year old self's defense, I didn't know anything past my long list of favorite bands, their member's names, every lyric to their songs, and how to make purses and rugs out of old t-shirts.
I could honestly probably create an entire blog just on remembering my teenage years and all the weird, dark, stupid and destructive and sometimes hilarious situations going through my mind and life back then.
But the truth is, I'm not that girl anymore. Other than my love for music and my dark -'morbid' as my mom calls it- tendencies, I'm a somewhat grownup, way more disappointing and wiser woman version.

Sometimes it depresses me, but mostly it actually excites me. Want to know why?

Because I survived. I'm alive

At 23 I gave birth to the most incredible, genuine, beautiful creature in all of my existence. I did. Me. The girl that, at 18, tried to take her own life in a bath tub in her favorite lace dress so her family would remember her as pretty. The girl that vowed to save herself for marriage but gave herself to a maniac because she was convinced he would be hers forever. The young woman who had so much social anxiety that she didn't get her first real job until 19 and her driver's license until 20.

I mean, okay, obviously I had a little help from a dude to get there. Much to my mother's dismay, I am no Virgin Mary. But I'm also not stupid enough to realize what a miracle it is that this man who, only just met me almost 4 months before, was there with me in the bathroom when I discovered I was pregnant, would end up still being here beside me, through everything, never once backing down or letting go. 

Who does that?

We did. We do. We're so cool now, we're doing it AGAIN. 
Yup, you got it. Number 2 is on the way. Due July 9th. Yeah, I know, we are INSANE.

But to wrap this first chapter up, my point in all this is...
If I would have given up when I wanted to, at 18, I would never have met the man I was convinced didn't exist. I would never have grown into this slightly smarter and stronger version of that girl. And I would never have been able to get pregnant with and give birth to and meet and love and live for my Jaxon Cain.
If I would have stuck with the dude I thought was supposed to be my forever, I would not only miss out on all of the above, but I would most likely have several STDs, have multiple addictions to vices, I would have continued to pay for and drive around a complete deadbeat bound for jail and I would most certainly never have that life I so dreamed about, or anything even close to it.
If I would have pursued things a little differently, sure, I may have met those goals, eventually. But I would never meet the loves of my life. I would never be THIS person. And even though this person is still immensely flawed and in need of much work, I love this person. That alone is a miracle in itself.

I'm not here to talk you down from your ledge [though I absolutely want you to]. I'm not here to seek attention to my darkest layers or anticipate your sympathy. I'm just a mom who never thought I would live to see myself become one. I'm a mom who still has no idea what she's doing. I'm a woman who is still pursuing dreams and is just recording her thoughts, struggles and victories here to connect with others who do too and, if nothing else, to have a reminder for myself of how far I've come, where I want to go and who I want with me throughout the journey.

Motherhood is like a rollercoaster that ascends up to Heaven and spirals down to Hell and back again.
Womanhood is like that too, but with more tears, blood and if you're lucky, wine.

We gotta ride it together. Otherwise it's just a form of torture.

-Em [Mama KJ]