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1.31.2016

The Terrifying Two


Jaxon is perfect.

No, I don't mean he is some supernatural being who never whines or hits or fusses or screams. Trust me, he has powerful lungs and just as powerful of an attitude for a toddler. Which is honestly understandable I mean, he's only been here for about 20 months. It's taken me a good 24 years just to learn to kind of manage my emotions and reactions.

That being said, what I mean by perfect is despite his struggles, he is still my champion. He is smart [sometimes too smart], he is sensitive, thoughtful and gentle [for the most part], and he adores his father and I. He loves when we give him tasks, he loves when we ask his opinion, he understands more than he can speak and he loves giving random cuddles and kisses. He's friendly, sweet, hilarious and constantly impressing me. He has compassion. He has no judgements. He has opinions but is always open to new things.

He's a better human than most, and he's not even 2 yet.

Jaxon will be a big brother in less than 5 months.
And I have no idea how to handle any of this. I still am not even sure I'm ready for this or really want this. Not that I am or would have second thoughts about this baby. I want this baby and I am just as committed as I was with him.

But I can't comprehend another one that's just as much mine as Jaxon is. I can't imagine having a baby and Jaxon. I can't get a clear picture in my head of even the existence of two children.
And I feel ridiculously guilty about it. 

In my defense, it was kind of the same with my first pregnancy. You can't really prepare for something or fully understand something until you've done it. I've also had a difficult time following through with my appointments. Not because of me, mind you, but other circumstances outside of our control, mainly with the doctors. So I've only heard the heartbeat once for about 3 seconds. I did get to see it, though and have pictures to prove it's a baby in there. But until I start to feel the kicks officially, and hear the heartbeat again, I'm becoming paranoid. Is it still alive? Is this still really happening? Am I doing it right again or am I forgetting something?

Not to mention I'm quite consumed with Jax, which is also a bit different than last time. But that's also probably what helps explain my disconnect. I rarely have time to let this all sink in and spend time with this baby, which sounds crazy since it's literally with me wherever I go. Maybe I am just crazy, who knows.

But I still have fear. What if I unknowingly neglect Jaxon in some areas? Or what if I neglect this baby because I'm still consumed with Jax? What if Jaxon becomes resentful and jealous? What if I fail both of them because I am simply incapable? What if I fall into the depression pit because of my anxiety? There is just so much more to fear this time. It's almost traumatizing.

I know things will change when he or she is finally here. I know it will be hard at first. I can't even fully understand how hard yet, but I know it will be harder than I expect.
I also know that eventually everything will settle down, we'll get into some sort of routine and, by some miracle or two, it will all seem normal. Normal for us, that is.

I am incredibly excited for another baby. I'm excited to breast feed again, crazy as that sounds too. I'm excited to see Jaxon be a big brother. I know he'll be awesome at it.

I just still have no freaking idea what I'm doing. At all. But I have an incredible team working with me. Josh and Jax are the best I could ever hope for. They make everything worth it. I can't wait to complete our beautiful family. My heart is ready to stretch farther than I ever thought it could.

Hopefully it doesn't shatter in the process.

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