2.23.2016

Here's That Honest Post Part II

I feel I need to elaborate on a few points from my previous post.

I realize that despite my efforts, it wasn't all that uplifting. Or specific enough to really be honest. I was very vague and it felt more like the summed up version of what you tell someone you don't really want to share every detail with either because you've already told 25 people or you just don't like them all that much.  But this blog won't amount to much if I treat you like either of those.

So here's my attempt at elaborating in a way that, hopefully, helps you understand a bit better and leave feeling a wee bit more satisfied :)

I am so excited for this baby and to give breastfeeding another go. I was only able to breastfeed Jax for about 5 months because of my line of work, supply issues and to be completely honest, selfishness.  I was tired of constantly pumping and worrying about whether or not Jax was getting enough because he began to take a bottle way better than from me so it was super difficult to tell if he was just not wanting me or if I wasn't making enough. It was a real struggle and my supply just steadily faded away. The shameful part is that I was actually relieved to not have to pump, worry, or inconvenience myself by having to cover up and situate myself just right to breastfeed. I was actually excited to feel like me again and know that when he was hungry, all I had to do was warm up some formula and voila! Happy baby.

But when Jax got sick for the first time, I had very little frozen milk left to give him. He was too young for most medicines and I knew my milk would give him the boost he needed to recover, but I felt like I had failed him by not being unable to give him fresh milk. 

I was more concerned with my comfort and lifestyle than trying everything I could to keep giving my child the best of what I could give.  Even when I looked into ways to boost my supply, I half-assed it because in the back of my mind, I wanted to dry up.

That's why I want to do it better this time. I know it will be even harder with the addition of a toddler, but I want to get over myself and do it anyway.

Another thing I wanted to elaborate on was that the reason I started ranting about sacrifice and putting your family first, is because that day, and even through today actually, I've just been feeling overwhelmed with responsibility and feeling unappreciated because of it.

Yesterday in particular, was HELL. I felt fat and unattractive, woke up with a headache, Jax woke up in the worst mood and decided to handle everything by whining and scream crying, and I've been stressing myself out over trying to bond with Bowie, my bearded dragon, because I'm always worried about his diet and home and his own stress levels and I'd feel 100% responsible if anything happened to him.
Which is why when he decided to leap off my shoulder randomly, and crawl underneath the heater where I couldn't reach him easily without fear of hurting him, I began to have a meltdown. 

Keep in mind, Jaxon is screaming and crying in the background because I keep shutting him and the dog out of the room so I can try to coax Bowie out, and the dog is whining because he had to poop really bad even though I let him out earlier and decided he didn't want to poop outside today.
And to top it all off, Josh left for work that morning pissed at me because I was too tired and uncomfortable to meet his needs the night before [among other small things that build up about once every 4 weeks with us, that's how we work]. So I wanted his help but also didn't want to text him and read his condescending response.

I ended up on my knees in the middle of the living room, sobbing.
I was just so overwhelmed. I felt like a complete piece of garbage and a huge massive failure because I couldn't get my lizard back to his tank, I couldn't do anything right by my son without him screaming at me and trying to slap me, and his father couldn't get to work fast enough so he could be away from me.

And yet, I'm going to have another one?

I just kept whispering, "I can't do this.

Then I took a few breaths and reminded myself that I'm a big girl now, I need to handle this myself.
I got up, picked Jaxon up, put him in his crib and closed the door. Then I put Chet in his crate and started warming up a bottle for Jax. After a few minutes, I checked the bottle and gave it to Jax and laid him down.  I then finally went back in the living room to check on Bowie and saw that he was just far enough out that I could grab him, so I scooped him up and gently put him in his tank before he even had a chance to think about jumping off my hand again.

I did it.

I cleaned and rested while Jax napped a good long nap and when he woke up, his mood was completely different. He was my smiley, silly, easy going champion again.

Chet pooped in the hallway a little bit later, but I scooped it up right away, cleaned the area and put him in time out without batting an eye.

Josh and I are still working on the whole appreciation thing, but right now I don't need him to be impressed with anything. I don't need his approval of something he doesn't understand because I still did it. And I'm still doing it. I'm a mom, a lizard wrangler, a poop scooper, a dish washer, a cook, a maid, a server, a blogger, a lover and an aspiring business owner.  If that's not enough for me, then it'll never be enough for anyone. But it is enough for me. So I don't really care if it's enough for anyone else or not.

Yes, being a mom does take some sacrifice. But so does everything else in this life that is good for us.  And it doesn't mean that it's not worth it, or mean it makes me weak.
I'm still me.
I still like the same music, same style of clothing, same food and drinks, I have the same dreams. I'm just multitasking and taking all this other stuff along this ride with me.

I hope this helped elaborate and reiterate a few points I aimed to make.
I may print this out and put it up in the bathroom next to the mirror to remind myself.  Feel free to do the same, if it means anything to you.

:)

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