2.21.2016

Here's That Honest Post You Knew Was Coming

I've hit that point again where I feel like my body isn't mine anymore.

Most of the time I'm okay with it. I'm a mom, that's what moms do, right? We are committed to our kids and our spouse/SO and that usually means our comfort and superficial desires fall to the wayside for their happiness and well being. It comes naturally and it's a good thing.  Moms should put their family first. Or at least above most things.

I know it'll hit again when I start breastfeeding this baby. It happened with Jaxon while I was pregnant and even worse when I had been breastfeeding and pumping for a few months and I became overwhelmed with exhaustion from such a tight schedule. It was like my entire life consisted of breast feeding every 2-3 hours, day and night, only getting about an hour and a half or so of anything else- usually sleep- because of pumping and preparation for later. So when I wasn't feeding or pumping, I was either napping or eating/drinking to keep my supply and energy at manageable levels.

Yeah, when you look at breastfeeding that way, it sounds like hell. And I'd be lying if I wouldn't describe the first 2-3 months of having a baby to be just that. But I know it gets easier. I know they eventually start sleeping through the night and needing to feed slightly less often. I know despite the way it feels during those first months, it is not a forever thing. Eventually either they'll wean or my supply will dry up. I stopped having specific expectations about anything once I first got pregnant 2 years ago.

I know this post is getting pretty heavy and in not my usual 'uplifting' style. Sorry.
I won't go into deep details about where these feelings are stemming from, or the source of my constant state of guilt and shame I've lived with almost my entire life.

I just felt the need to put these thoughts into words because that's how I deal with them best. It's my healthy release. I'd say I hope it shows that these feelings are normal, but I don't wish this on anyone and I hope to God that most moms go through their pregnancy and beyond without doubting themselves or their amazing purpose.  I know it's not unusual, but it sucks and it's not my proudest moment.

But bottom line, it's only a moment.

Yes, all 3 of the males in my household constantly want something from me and, specifically, my body. Yes, my job as a mom and [eventual] wife is to satisfy those needs, even if that means sacrificing my comfort and own needs, temporarily.  Yes, there are times I just want to shut myself in the bathroom and not come into contact with anyone for days.

But eventually Jaxon won't want much from me at all. He won't need me, like he does now, forever. Eventually, as our bodies go through their natural stages, Josh will want me a little less and I'll want him a bit more.  Eventually I won't be able to physically do anything I want to do, and it won't be anyone's fault.  That's part of life. We grow, we change and leave nothing but memories behind.

At the end of each day, I know Josh loves me. I know my son is healthy and safe. I know this baby is safe and growing perfectly inside me. I know we're doing the best we can. I know I am doing the best I can.  And I'm doing just fine.
I'm enjoying the breaks and special alone times I have now for as long as I can, and when I really think about it, just because they feel like they go by faster than the times I'm feeding, chasing, and satisfying, doesn't mean there isn't a balance. For every moment I feel like I'm sacrificing, I have a moment shortly after when I'm able to release and recharge. So really, I'm not really sacrificing anything.

Yes, I am a woman and a mother.
But I'm also so much more than that. And I don't need to prove anything to anyone. No mold, no stereotype, no expectation will shrink me down to less than what I am.

I'm doing just fine.
And so are you, mama :)

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