Shameful Yet Shameless

I'm about to either disappoint you or make your day.

Despite the name of this blog, my intentions are not to be just another mom blogger. I am a mom, yes, and this title takes up a very large part of my life and identity now. However, I am a little bit more than that, at least I'd like to be.

Before I get into the other side of Mama KillJoy, I should probably give you some back story, just so you maybe get a more accurate glimpse of uh...me. If nothing else, you'll at least be able to smile to yourself and say "at least I was never like that" ;)

I should warn you, some of my former eras were so dark and downright embarrassing that I can't even find the evidence right now to show you. What I do have should be plenty for now, hopefully, considering that this post is really supposed to be about the future. But hey, it's fun.

I began my search for purpose and internet fame with altering and up-cycling used and vintage t-shirts, vests, jackets and even a few dresses and jeans, and creating one of a kind pieces of artwork that you could wear.  I sold them through etsy originally and I even had a few photo shoots with friends as models and my own styling. Etsy deleted my store a little over a year ago [long story, but I did nothing wrong] so I lost most of my info including pictures of the pieces I sold. I'll keep looking though, so I'll update this with photos when I find them.

That was at 17. At 14 I was, as you know, writing poetry/music and fantasizing about touring the country in a band. By 16, though, I had experimented with different print sites and sold some of my designs on t-shirts that ended up on a few musicians and skaters, which also lead to me designing merch and album covers for several bands as well. That was when I was drawing and writing every day because that was my life. 

I tried getting attention to my shops by starting a poetry blog [Riley Velvet Poetry], a lookbook account [through lookbook.nu], and another blog [Daily KillJoy] to extend my fashion and music obsession. There, I did some of this:


And, unfortunately...this:

I cringed so hard looking through all of this stuff while posting. I don't think you'll ever understand how humiliating this is for me haha. But this was me. This was where I was at and who I thought I wanted to be. I know, it could have definitely been worse....I guess.

So, as embarrassing as showing you this is for me, I'm hoping my honesty will help you feel a bit more confident in your present self and help you understand how different I am now.  Most of those where from my teen years, but some of these 'phases' were lived only a few short years ago.  Yet, when I look through them, they feel almost foreign.

Becoming a mom makes you grow up real fast.
Not that I was some crazy reckless child then, I was actually pretty clean cut, despite what vibe I tried to convey to the world. But I was still pretty lost. I had only just STARTED my search to find what I was meant to offer the world. My biggest concerns were whether I wanted to go to art school, business school or continue to try to figure it all out myself with the help of the all knowing internets.

Now my main stress is where Jax hid the wipes, what he just put in his mouth, and how the hell I'm going to get him out of diapers by the time the new baby is in them.

  Now, I craft dream catchers [you can buy them here.] whenever I have the supplies, I write posts and watch 'handmade business' vlogs and videos whenever Jax is asleep, I work at a hotel restaurant on the weekends, and I make lists. TONS of lists. Lists of pros and cons of different direct sales companies I'm considering buying into. Lists of business goals. Lists of names for the baby. Lists of appointments, work schedules and events this month. Lists of things I forgot to get at the store yesterday.
Lists that ultimately either get lost by me, tossed in the trash by Jaxon, or erased from the chalkboard accidentally.

But hey, I'm trying.

I know selling dream catchers will never provide a decent income. I know I've started and stopped many attempts at trying to find my so called 'niche' in the craft/handmade/home business world. I know I should have pursued schooling instead of getting myself 'knocked up' at 22.

But screw it. I'm tired. Tired of trying to force something that will never happen the way I want it to. Tired of wishing I had the tools to create laser cut jewelry, vinyl images and text for walls, or striped beanies for babies. Tired of beating myself up because I'm not one of the many pretty, talented and colorful bloggers and crafters I now idolize.

All I know is I freaking love making dream catchers. I have so many ideas and concepts for future collections. I know I also love making labels for my homemade lip balms and I know I still am in love with my concept for the Cozmic KillJoy brand that still doesn't even exist yet. My problem has never been lack of talent, passion or ideas. My problem has always been focus. I'm constantly overwhelmed with all the different directions I could go, places I want to take my ideas, and the many MANY ways to get there. I love crafts but I also love animals and the environment. I love being a mom but I also love punk music and wearing my combat boots to rock shows. I love styling outfits but I also love decorating every room in our apartment. I love writing but I also love taking photos of plants and animals with my beloved Nikon D60.

See my dilemma? I don't have just that ONE thing that I am so passionate about you can see it in every aspect of my life.  I have about 368 things. So how the hell do you manage and make a successful business from all of that?

This blog is a recording of me trying to figure it all out. My goal is to funnel all my ideas, attempts and passions through here in hopes of collecting the good stuff and somehow managing to find some direction through it all.

So this blog is NOT just a mommy blog. It is also a DIY blog, a rant blog, a fashion and beauty blog, a vegetarian lifestyle blog and hopefully soon, a travel blog.

This blog, just like my 'non'-brand, Cozmic KillJoy, is all ME. It's my heart, mind and soul put into words. A representation of who I am, who I'm becoming and everything I discover along the way.
I intend to get a routine down, as in posting every other day or 3 times a week, so that when this new addition arrives, it's already a part of my life.

I hope you also get something out of my journey that you can apply to yours. If you also do this blog thing, I hope you let me know so I can also collect nuggets from yours too. Even if you're not a mom, even if you aren't vegan, even if you don't collect comics, even if you hate punk music

I will say it again and again.
We are in this together, so let's come together.