Rescue Me

I can't tell if it's the weather, concerns with our apartment and certain bills, pregnancy making me moody and uncomfortable, or living downtown in a neighborhood I don't feel comfortable taking Jax on a walk by myself in a town I can't figure out....but I'm literally waking up tired and stressed and hating life.

I feel gross, detached and alone.
My body hates me and I hate my body. I'm desperate to do anything to feel excited and alive and not just like a bloated incubator, yet I don't seem to have the energy to do anything. Especially socializing with anyone older than 2 [even that isn't exactly a walk in the park either].
I mean, I've always been pretty awful at communicating with people. Even people I like to consider friends. 9.5 times out of 10, I'll talk myself out of contacting anyone for fear of annoying them. Or to avoid the disappointment of being rejected for any reason. Or because I have it set in my head that no one wants to do anything with me and a toddler. Even if they have a toddler too.

It's called anxiety and it makes absolutely NO SENSE.

I can't even blame it on Jaxon because even before I had him, I was horrible at reaching out to and actually getting together with people I liked. Especially co-workers. I think I've gotten drinks with maybe 2 people ever and it was mainly because it was right after work and within walking distance. I've met up with a few I don't work with anymore, but I'm pretty sure they were the ones initiating the whole thing.

I am fully aware of how irrational and just wrong it is to think this way, and I have no one to blame but myself. I know I still have friends, somehow. And I know that I have people in my life that do actually like me and probably wouldn't mind getting together.
I also know that it wouldn't kill me to start the conversation.

That's where the anxiety kicks in. It somehow convinces me that I just can't do certain things that I really want to.

I'm really hoping that as the weather warms up, things start blooming, I get closer to baby day, and with the help of Jax and my sturdy crazy dude [whom I am just super thankful to still have after everything I continue to throw at him], I can somehow push myself and at least get out of this tiny, old, depressing apartment more.  He has no problem texting and calling friends and even getting them to come to us. I can't even get my own mother to pick us up on a Sunday for her 'family dinner' night when I don't have a vehicle to drive Jax and I myself.

I know some pretty awesome people and I just really wish I could allow myself to try to nurture some sort of friendship with them without coming off creepy, annoying or needy.

I'm just so awkward, and having a toddler and being 6 months pregnant definitely isn't helping my case. Not one bit.

So fellow mamas, I feel you. I know you go through bouts of similar frustrations and stresses. Hopefully not as bad as my unreasonable anxiety, but still. I know I'm not an exclusive case.
I need sunshine, fresh air and [eventually] a pretty drink with an umbrella and a few ounces of rum in it. Or maybe just a really tall, ice cold beer by a bonfire.

Anyone else wanna escape to a beach or lake for a few days soon??


Take Time for the Good Times

I've been working 4 days a week lately instead of my usual 2-3 which doesn't sound all that consuming, but my shifts are usually longer than the usual 4-5 hour server shifts, plus I have a 40 minute drive there and back on top of it all. So what happens is I have had to replace a lot of my writing time with dressing, driving and dropping Jaxon off with a babysitter.

But enough of my excuses. Everyone has things to do and never enough time for everything. Crazy life happens. Especially when you're 6 months pregnant. Normal activities become 10x more exhausting and uncomfortable. But we all know that by now too.

This post is about my son.

My handsome, sensitive, intelligent, strong and incredibly good natured son.
He has always been a trooper. From the moment he was born he has exceeded all expectations and has never let anything hold him back. He's a problem solver with the mind of an engineer. He's tough and all boy. At the same time he's also gentle and sensitive and knows how to appreciate the little things. He loves animals of all kind; snakes, cats, birds, sharks, mice, rabbits, bats, reptiles even bugs. He also loves flowers and, though he has moments of a destructive nature, he's very gentle with them and loves to smell them.  But when I say he's all boy I mean he'll fall over 6 times at the park within a 5 minute period and never skip a beat, slow down or even avoid the sticks that tripped him before, because he's headed for that big tall slide. He also loves cars and blocks and throwing pretty much anything he can get his sticky little hands on.

I am so in love with this amazing little human. 
To see him learn and get more coordinated and to hear him say "pwee" and "thank yewww" make my heart flutter every single time and it'll never get old. I only wish I didn't suck so much at recording him because there are already a few things he doesn't really say anymore, or at least the way he used to. I want to save and cherish everything because it's going by SO FAST.

I mean, I legitimately teared up when Josh trimmed his hair for the first time ever. Jaxon turned to look at me right after and I almost lost it. All I could think was "soon he'll be driving and going off to college and moving out" because I'm pregnant and super sappy and it just hit me really hard.
I cannot, physically or otherwise, comprehend my life without him in it. I can barely handle my weekends because I work late Friday nights and early Saturday mornings into the afternoon, so I won't see Jaxon for essentially a full 24 hours because I leave while he's napping and come back after he's down for the night, leave again before he wakes up and then don't get back home until late afternoon and sometimes he's still napping. I do it every weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I cherish any "me" time I get too, but honestly going to work is really the closest I get to that. I try to clean and shower while he naps so blogging forces me to take time to reflect and chill for a little. So does crafting, which is why I love it. But in all honesty, I only ever actually craft or blog a few times a week, not every day.

I'm dying for a night [or even day] out with a fellow mama or other member of the female kind just to feel somewhat 'normal'. Though I'm sure I'll still have a fair amount of guilt with me the whole time because, again, I truly enjoy and adore time with my son. He's literally a part of me.

I mean, the kid saved my life.
Between the ages of 17-20 I seriously contemplated suicide. At one point in particular, at the age of 18, I put on my favorite pretty lace dress, filled the bath tub with a few inches of water, got in and held a razor over my wrist with every intention of slicing my veins open, for good this time, to watch my blood drain and infect the water surrounding me and stain my dress.
The specifics of why I didn't are for another time.

Ever since I became pregnant with Jaxon, I knew I would NEVER be able to even seriously consider taking my life ever again. Not just because I would never want him to live with that, but because I selfishly never want to be without him. I grew up and tapped into unknown strength and wisdom because of his existence. I became someone because of him. He not only gave me a purpose, he continues to bring relentless joy to my life every single day. He's more than my motivation, he's my inspiration. I don't deserve him. But I have to.

Sorry if things got real "morbid" [as my mom would say] for a minute. I'm not trying to weigh you down with anything, just attempting to explain how much my son means to me and why I'm just another mom that believes her baby is the best thing to ever happen to her.

Mamas, keep taking those photos and videos and never feel silly about it. Cherish those moments, those tickle fights, giggle fits, cuddles and looks of approval. Remember them when they are being complete demons. Remember them when you're at work or the store without them. Remember them when you are discouraged about your life or yourself. Remember them as often as you can and for as long as you can. Take time for those moments, and never let anyone try to make you feel guilty for it.

I can't wait for him to become a big brother.
He's already the perfect role model. He loves babies and loves responsibility. 
He is my hero.


Two by Two

I still can't comprehend having two of Jaxon.

I mean, I'm fully aware I am pregnant and that there is a little boy in there [he reminds me about every 10-15 minutes].  I am aware that this little guy will NOT be exactly like Jaxon, in fact he may end up being a complete opposite, though I truly hope not, as far as sleeping and temperament goes.
But I also know I have no control and that it won't keep me from adoring him.

I just literally cannot picture our family with two little boys, not just us and Jaxon. I cannot wrap my head around it no matter how hard I try.

And it makes me feel so guilty and ashamed.

I mean, in my defense, I couldn't fully comprehend having a baby that grows into a toddler and beyond when I was pregnant with Jaxon either. I can't understand something I haven't fully experienced to some extent. Yeah, being Jax's mom is pretty cool and having another boy means I don't have to buy new clothes or toys, and you'd think that would mean that I already know what I'm doing so why not add one more?

Yeah no. I'm still just as terrified now as I was the first time.
What's it like to love two babies?  What if I neglect this baby because I'm distracted with Jaxon? What if I neglect Jaxon because this baby needs me every minute? What will happen to my already suffering 'social' life? Will I ever see the inside of a restaurant [other than the one I work in] or live band or 21+ bar/lounge/venue ever again?

I know it was a huge change in lifestyle when we had Jax [not that we were crazy party goers or drinkers or anything like that before], but we've made it work and Jaxon proved to be such a freaking trooper from the moment he was born. He's so easy going and resilient and chill [for a toddler anway]. I'm honestly terrified that this one will be the exact opposite just because Jaxon was so perfect. As if there's some sort of scale being weighed with God going, "nope, she had a pretty easy pregnancy, a short labor and I gave her a son with no medical issues, chill personality and I forgot to give him a full brat side, so we gotta balance it out with a high maintenance, hyperactive, demon child. You know, to keep things interesting and not too perfect."

Hey, all I know is my mom always told me that if she would've had my brother first, she never would've had me.

I know first borns tend to be more independent and easy going and the seconds and lasts are more attention hungry and needy. I get that.  I just don't want either of them to suffer because I can't handle both of them. I'm already exhausted 24/7 and he's inside of me, being taken care of by my body, never getting lost or hurt or whiny, all I gotta do is drink plenty of water and take a prenatal pill every day.  He's got it made in there.

A part of me wants him to be here already so I can get it all over with and start adjusting. Another part of me is kicking the crap out of me for even wanting another one.  Will he have blue eyes and blonde hair like his brother and I, or will he come out with his dad's dark hair and eyes?  Will he have my chin and his dad's spock ear, or will he get my beak nose and his dad's thin face?  Is he going to be a spoiled, dramatic arm flailing, head banging, demon possessed fit thrower like my little brother was? Or will he inherit his dad's easy going personality, like Jaxon did?

I know it's pointless to get stressed over this stuff but I can't help it. I'm pregnant. Everything stresses me out.  Everything makes me want to cry or eat or sleep.  Too bad it will be probably at least another year before that changes.  There is no 'off' switch for hormonal when it comes to women, especially fertile women.

I'm so excited for Jaxon to have a sibling. He's going to be such a good big brother, I can already tell.  I just hope he continues to love babies and helping mommy and daddy, and doesn't get too jealous and demanding.

But we shall see, just like with everything else.
Hey, at least I'll finally have a perfect picture to put in the "two by two" Noah's Ark picture frame Josh's mom got us when I was pregnant with Jaxon.