3.20.2016

Rescue Me


I can't tell if it's the weather, concerns with our apartment and certain bills, pregnancy making me moody and uncomfortable, or living downtown in a neighborhood I don't feel comfortable taking Jax on a walk by myself in a town I can't figure out....but I'm literally waking up tired and stressed and hating life.

I feel gross, detached and alone.
My body hates me and I hate my body. I'm desperate to do anything to feel excited and alive and not just like a bloated incubator, yet I don't seem to have the energy to do anything. Especially socializing with anyone older than 2 [even that isn't exactly a walk in the park either].
I mean, I've always been pretty awful at communicating with people. Even people I like to consider friends. 9.5 times out of 10, I'll talk myself out of contacting anyone for fear of annoying them. Or to avoid the disappointment of being rejected for any reason. Or because I have it set in my head that no one wants to do anything with me and a toddler. Even if they have a toddler too.

It's called anxiety and it makes absolutely NO SENSE.

I can't even blame it on Jaxon because even before I had him, I was horrible at reaching out to and actually getting together with people I liked. Especially co-workers. I think I've gotten drinks with maybe 2 people ever and it was mainly because it was right after work and within walking distance. I've met up with a few I don't work with anymore, but I'm pretty sure they were the ones initiating the whole thing.

I am fully aware of how irrational and just wrong it is to think this way, and I have no one to blame but myself. I know I still have friends, somehow. And I know that I have people in my life that do actually like me and probably wouldn't mind getting together.
I also know that it wouldn't kill me to start the conversation.

That's where the anxiety kicks in. It somehow convinces me that I just can't do certain things that I really want to.

I'm really hoping that as the weather warms up, things start blooming, I get closer to baby day, and with the help of Jax and my sturdy crazy dude [whom I am just super thankful to still have after everything I continue to throw at him], I can somehow push myself and at least get out of this tiny, old, depressing apartment more.  He has no problem texting and calling friends and even getting them to come to us. I can't even get my own mother to pick us up on a Sunday for her 'family dinner' night when I don't have a vehicle to drive Jax and I myself.

I know some pretty awesome people and I just really wish I could allow myself to try to nurture some sort of friendship with them without coming off creepy, annoying or needy.

I'm just so awkward, and having a toddler and being 6 months pregnant definitely isn't helping my case. Not one bit.

So fellow mamas, I feel you. I know you go through bouts of similar frustrations and stresses. Hopefully not as bad as my unreasonable anxiety, but still. I know I'm not an exclusive case.
I need sunshine, fresh air and [eventually] a pretty drink with an umbrella and a few ounces of rum in it. Or maybe just a really tall, ice cold beer by a bonfire.

Anyone else wanna escape to a beach or lake for a few days soon??

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