3.14.2016

Take Time for the Good Times


I've been working 4 days a week lately instead of my usual 2-3 which doesn't sound all that consuming, but my shifts are usually longer than the usual 4-5 hour server shifts, plus I have a 40 minute drive there and back on top of it all. So what happens is I have had to replace a lot of my writing time with dressing, driving and dropping Jaxon off with a babysitter.

But enough of my excuses. Everyone has things to do and never enough time for everything. Crazy life happens. Especially when you're 6 months pregnant. Normal activities become 10x more exhausting and uncomfortable. But we all know that by now too.

This post is about my son.

My handsome, sensitive, intelligent, strong and incredibly good natured son.
He has always been a trooper. From the moment he was born he has exceeded all expectations and has never let anything hold him back. He's a problem solver with the mind of an engineer. He's tough and all boy. At the same time he's also gentle and sensitive and knows how to appreciate the little things. He loves animals of all kind; snakes, cats, birds, sharks, mice, rabbits, bats, reptiles even bugs. He also loves flowers and, though he has moments of a destructive nature, he's very gentle with them and loves to smell them.  But when I say he's all boy I mean he'll fall over 6 times at the park within a 5 minute period and never skip a beat, slow down or even avoid the sticks that tripped him before, because he's headed for that big tall slide. He also loves cars and blocks and throwing pretty much anything he can get his sticky little hands on.

I am so in love with this amazing little human. 
To see him learn and get more coordinated and to hear him say "pwee" and "thank yewww" make my heart flutter every single time and it'll never get old. I only wish I didn't suck so much at recording him because there are already a few things he doesn't really say anymore, or at least the way he used to. I want to save and cherish everything because it's going by SO FAST.

I mean, I legitimately teared up when Josh trimmed his hair for the first time ever. Jaxon turned to look at me right after and I almost lost it. All I could think was "soon he'll be driving and going off to college and moving out" because I'm pregnant and super sappy and it just hit me really hard.
I cannot, physically or otherwise, comprehend my life without him in it. I can barely handle my weekends because I work late Friday nights and early Saturday mornings into the afternoon, so I won't see Jaxon for essentially a full 24 hours because I leave while he's napping and come back after he's down for the night, leave again before he wakes up and then don't get back home until late afternoon and sometimes he's still napping. I do it every weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I cherish any "me" time I get too, but honestly going to work is really the closest I get to that. I try to clean and shower while he naps so blogging forces me to take time to reflect and chill for a little. So does crafting, which is why I love it. But in all honesty, I only ever actually craft or blog a few times a week, not every day.

I'm dying for a night [or even day] out with a fellow mama or other member of the female kind just to feel somewhat 'normal'. Though I'm sure I'll still have a fair amount of guilt with me the whole time because, again, I truly enjoy and adore time with my son. He's literally a part of me.

I mean, the kid saved my life.
Between the ages of 17-20 I seriously contemplated suicide. At one point in particular, at the age of 18, I put on my favorite pretty lace dress, filled the bath tub with a few inches of water, got in and held a razor over my wrist with every intention of slicing my veins open, for good this time, to watch my blood drain and infect the water surrounding me and stain my dress.
The specifics of why I didn't are for another time.

Ever since I became pregnant with Jaxon, I knew I would NEVER be able to even seriously consider taking my life ever again. Not just because I would never want him to live with that, but because I selfishly never want to be without him. I grew up and tapped into unknown strength and wisdom because of his existence. I became someone because of him. He not only gave me a purpose, he continues to bring relentless joy to my life every single day. He's more than my motivation, he's my inspiration. I don't deserve him. But I have to.

Sorry if things got real "morbid" [as my mom would say] for a minute. I'm not trying to weigh you down with anything, just attempting to explain how much my son means to me and why I'm just another mom that believes her baby is the best thing to ever happen to her.

Mamas, keep taking those photos and videos and never feel silly about it. Cherish those moments, those tickle fights, giggle fits, cuddles and looks of approval. Remember them when they are being complete demons. Remember them when you're at work or the store without them. Remember them when you are discouraged about your life or yourself. Remember them as often as you can and for as long as you can. Take time for those moments, and never let anyone try to make you feel guilty for it.

I can't wait for him to become a big brother.
He's already the perfect role model. He loves babies and loves responsibility. 
He is my hero.

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