Two by Two

I still can't comprehend having two of Jaxon.

I mean, I'm fully aware I am pregnant and that there is a little boy in there [he reminds me about every 10-15 minutes].  I am aware that this little guy will NOT be exactly like Jaxon, in fact he may end up being a complete opposite, though I truly hope not, as far as sleeping and temperament goes.
But I also know I have no control and that it won't keep me from adoring him.

I just literally cannot picture our family with two little boys, not just us and Jaxon. I cannot wrap my head around it no matter how hard I try.

And it makes me feel so guilty and ashamed.

I mean, in my defense, I couldn't fully comprehend having a baby that grows into a toddler and beyond when I was pregnant with Jaxon either. I can't understand something I haven't fully experienced to some extent. Yeah, being Jax's mom is pretty cool and having another boy means I don't have to buy new clothes or toys, and you'd think that would mean that I already know what I'm doing so why not add one more?

Yeah no. I'm still just as terrified now as I was the first time.
What's it like to love two babies?  What if I neglect this baby because I'm distracted with Jaxon? What if I neglect Jaxon because this baby needs me every minute? What will happen to my already suffering 'social' life? Will I ever see the inside of a restaurant [other than the one I work in] or live band or 21+ bar/lounge/venue ever again?

I know it was a huge change in lifestyle when we had Jax [not that we were crazy party goers or drinkers or anything like that before], but we've made it work and Jaxon proved to be such a freaking trooper from the moment he was born. He's so easy going and resilient and chill [for a toddler anway]. I'm honestly terrified that this one will be the exact opposite just because Jaxon was so perfect. As if there's some sort of scale being weighed with God going, "nope, she had a pretty easy pregnancy, a short labor and I gave her a son with no medical issues, chill personality and I forgot to give him a full brat side, so we gotta balance it out with a high maintenance, hyperactive, demon child. You know, to keep things interesting and not too perfect."

Hey, all I know is my mom always told me that if she would've had my brother first, she never would've had me.

I know first borns tend to be more independent and easy going and the seconds and lasts are more attention hungry and needy. I get that.  I just don't want either of them to suffer because I can't handle both of them. I'm already exhausted 24/7 and he's inside of me, being taken care of by my body, never getting lost or hurt or whiny, all I gotta do is drink plenty of water and take a prenatal pill every day.  He's got it made in there.

A part of me wants him to be here already so I can get it all over with and start adjusting. Another part of me is kicking the crap out of me for even wanting another one.  Will he have blue eyes and blonde hair like his brother and I, or will he come out with his dad's dark hair and eyes?  Will he have my chin and his dad's spock ear, or will he get my beak nose and his dad's thin face?  Is he going to be a spoiled, dramatic arm flailing, head banging, demon possessed fit thrower like my little brother was? Or will he inherit his dad's easy going personality, like Jaxon did?

I know it's pointless to get stressed over this stuff but I can't help it. I'm pregnant. Everything stresses me out.  Everything makes me want to cry or eat or sleep.  Too bad it will be probably at least another year before that changes.  There is no 'off' switch for hormonal when it comes to women, especially fertile women.

I'm so excited for Jaxon to have a sibling. He's going to be such a good big brother, I can already tell.  I just hope he continues to love babies and helping mommy and daddy, and doesn't get too jealous and demanding.

But we shall see, just like with everything else.
Hey, at least I'll finally have a perfect picture to put in the "two by two" Noah's Ark picture frame Josh's mom got us when I was pregnant with Jaxon.


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