4.19.2016

Friends? Oh Yeah Those...


To be honest, the reason I haven't posted in days is because I've been dealing with some major anxiety and depression and I didn't want to risk writing a post filled with nothing but negativity.
Because that's exactly what would have happened.

The cause of my anxiety and depression?

Friends.
Or, lack thereof, really.

Okay, to be fair, I obviously have friends. I have friends my age, my gender and even mom friends. I'm also usually a really good friend, too. I'm thoughtful, loyal, honest, understanding and incredibly slow to judge. I have a pretty chill personality and don't participate in, let alone start, unnecessary drama. I also very rarely bail on plans once I make them. Almost never. So what's my problem then?

I absolutely suck at reaching out, making plans and even freaking texting back within a reasonable amount of time. Doesn't matter if you're my mom, my boss, or my boyfriend. I either text back immediately or not for hours or even sometimes days. No particular reason why, either. Sometimes it's because my phone is off and charging, sometimes it's because it's in my bag still, or in another room and I just haven't picked it up yet, and sometimes I just don't want to deal with the mental energy it takes to think of the appropriate response and then actually type it out.  Lame and lazy sounding, I know. Trust me, I hate it too. It makes no sense at all.

I also am fully aware that at 25 years old, friendships don't always work the same as they did when I was still in the teen era. There's slightly less expectation and much less petty drama. But there's one particular con that I can't seem to just get over.

By now, pretty much everyone already has their bestie for life. Whether it's just one that they see once or twice a week, or a select few that are always down to meet for drinks, shopping or crafts. Everyone has at least that one friend they've known for years that has always been their go-to that they can text or call at any time of day to chat, that they can all but assume they will see at that craft fair or wine festival and that they can make last minute plans with to get a drink after work or watch their kids or pets when needed.

Everyone but me, that is.

All my friends have better best friends. They know it. I know it.
It's all good. I know how it all works.

It's not like I have so much social anxiety that I can't talk to people or have never been able to make friends. I'm easy to get along with and I've never had a problem getting people to like me.
But my anxiety definitely still plays a major role in my friendship struggles.

I don't reach out to text the people I desperately want to invite and make plans with, why?
Because my stupid anxiety convinces me that they already have plans, they'd rather spend time with someone else, and that I would just be annoying them and putting them in an awkward position to have to turn me down.
Because I'm already convinced that they will turn me down. I've already accepted the rejection.

It sounds so....juvenile, doesn't it?

Writing this all out is honestly humiliating. I HATE this about myself. My social awkwardness has kept me from doing literally a million things in my life that I really really wanted to do. Like waiting until 20 to get my driver's license and 21 to get my first real job. Like convincing me the art school I dreamed of going to wouldn't accept me not because of money, location, grades or upbringing, but because they might not fall in love with my strange, confusing and diverse portfolio. Like requiring hours of pep talk to myself and practicing what I want to say like they're lines in a script just to call the doctor or any service that all adults have been doing for years now.

How I got a date with Josh at all, is beyond me.
Although, ironically, talking to guys and being decent girlfriend material has been one thing I've never struggled with. I know, it makes absolutely NO sense. None. Nada.

The real kicker of it all is that I know it's all in my head.
I am 100% fully aware that I overthink and it's really not that bad. There's usually a good 50/50 chance they would actually love to make plans with me. They all tell me so.
I'm still most likely not going to text you first.

So how do I plan to turn this post around so it's not just me whining about my self inflicted pity party that is my social life?
I'm honestly not sure. I didn't really plan any of this out. I don't outline these things at all. Maybe if I did, I'd have better quality content that would inspire at least one comment per post....

At least my son and my boyfriend like me. And not just because they're forced to live with me.
The dog's affection is probably pretty conditional. I can't tell if Bowie likes me at all, to be honest.
I love my little tribe and I wouldn't trade our adventures and dynamic for anything. I love having them to come home to. They're always down for whatever. Well, almost always.

When I get down and depressed and my anxiety gets the best of me, which can last days, I don't blame anyone at all for avoiding me completely. Even Josh gets overwhelmed and lost trying to bring me back up. Yet he somehow manages to stick it out and even make me feel like me again. And you can't spend any amount of time with Jaxon and not smile at least once. He's my angel and shining star. Saving my life every day. I'm so thankful for both of them.

So I'll keep trying and waiting for those golden opportunities. Pregnant or not. Eventually something will work out and it'll be fun and much needed and all that jazz. Hopefully everyone else sticks with me a bit longer too.

And hey, if I can't keep friends, at least I'm pretty good at creating them. Ha, get it?




Sorry.

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