10.22.2016

I Don't Feel It

Not ready to work today. Not ready for Halloween. Not ready to plan Christmas shopping.

Just not feeling much for any of these things and I don't know why. I miss my excitement for life. I live in a constant state of anxiety and worry and life really isn't that bad but I just feel like I'm drowning and can't catch my breath.

I know it's a combination of pressure from myself, from social media and from the stress of responsibilities so I guess I'll be distancing myself from Facebook and others for a while. It's gotten to the point where I'm so overwhelmed with how behind I am on blog posts, vinted posts, bills, finding a car and desperately trying to hang on to my milk supply, that my stress is literally making me physically sick. My body is dry my face is oily, I'm always cold and aching, my hair is still falling out and my bloated tummy is constantly in knots making me feel nauseous.
Nothing feels right. Not this apartment, not my job, not this town, not the weather.

I keep my kids fed, dressed, clean and alive.
That's it. That's all I got.

I'd love to take them to pick pumpkins and dress them up to go trick or treating and buy them new clothes for winter and bake them cookies and meet up with friends for play dates or drinks. But I'm broke, exhausted and mentally and emotionally shut down.

So yeah. No "I told you so's" or advice or pity necessary. I need to be quiet and distant for a little while. It may not help but at this point I doubt it will make it worse.

Kbye.