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11.27.2016

Position Accepted.

I need to learn to stop leaving hints and half promising things for this blog when the only thing I've been consistent with is not following through. With anything.

Mom bloggers must either have a very wealthy husband or someone they pay to write things for them when they can't or don't want to. That's my official theory.

Because I enjoy writing/typing. I enjoy rambling. I enjoy designing my blog and planning out all the fun things I want to do and say. I enjoy hitting that "Publish" button and feeling confident and accomplished.
And I really enjoy the encouraging words I get from friends and readers after they read my silly posts. I'm kind of a needy wimp like that. Shocker, I know.

But how the hell am I supposed to keep any sort of "regular" posting schedule that not only stays relevant but keeps things interesting with giveaways, brand plugs and other goodies for you, the reader, when my car, that I just used my entire savings on in March, breaks down out of nowhere so I suddenly have to drive my two door civic again (that I'm supposed to be selling so I can pay my parents back for what they gave me to help get THAT car when I needed it 4 years ago), I can't catch up on ANY type of savings or even Christmas or birthday money, because I'm barely breaking even after all the bills and grocery shopping (you know, just the essentials, not a bunch of comforts or luxuries) after having Roran, Josh starts working more because his busy season started when my slow season started at work so we have no days off together, not to mention, we're STILL working on getting health insurance for Roran because neither of us get any sort of benefits so we have to get state insurance which takes months of just trying to get the timing right, so he's behind on his checkups and vaccinations which makes me feel like a horrible mother....?

I don't think "pro" mom bloggers have to deal with any of that. I truly don't. They get to stay home and blog and knit and talk about how wonderful motherhood is like it's a Lifetime movie while I'm waking up with a headache every morning and neglecting anything and everything related to myself because I'm 100% only focused on keeping my kids happy and healthy, or dog and reptiles happy and healthy, and attempting to keep this tiny old apartment from being completely destroyed by Jaxon's restless toddler energy tornado. It literally takes all my energy on my days off to care for my kids, keep the pets fed and clean, keep up with laundry and dishes, clean up enough that you can still find the seats in the living room and have a clear path to the bathroom, and maintain any sort of grocery list and dinner menu. If my house looks neglected it's because I have days I am drained before I even get out of bed so I scrape up what I can and use that to keep my toddler fed and busy and my baby fed and changed. 

I forget to eat. When I do remember to eat, it's usually a piece of Halloween candy or a small handful of goldfish or cereal. I go days without showers because if my kids don't happen to be napping at the same time, it just doesn't happen. I am alone with them 4-5 days in a row every week, and only see Josh before he leaves for work in the morning and after he finally gets home, usually after 8:00. I look forward to seeing him so I can finally rest, which is usually why I'm in bed shortly after he gets home and eats. He stopped asking me about the apartment and I stopped asking him to stop for things at the store on his way home.

My life is not hard. My life is stagnant.

Except for my kids.
Jaxon drives me nuts with his endless energy and constant curiosity, but he's also my little knight who notices when I'm spread thin and at the end of my rope and looks at me with his ice blue eyes and I know he can feel me and he stops and hugs me.
Roran worries me with his rolling and vulnerability and I cry every time I let the dark depressing thoughts about my milk supply in, but his bird noises and dimples when he smiles every time I talk to him melt any darkness from my being, even if just for a moment.

I know it won't be like this forever. I know that Josh and I will find a way because we always do. I know that I'll look back and treasure the moments I have with my kids and the time we spend together.

And if waving as the holidays pass me by, sacrificing days off together, and backing away from Facebook is what I need to do to get through this chapter with my health and sanity in tact, then that is exactly what I will do.

Now back to changing diapers and keeping Jax away from our tiny, not yet decorated Christmas tree.......

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