1.02.2017

Hello, 2017

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

January 1st, 2017 marked not only the beginning of a new chapter, but the 6 month mark since my handsome Roran Alexander was born.

I have a really hard time letting go of things I consider important to me.
One of those things is my babies growing up and not being able to do a damn thing to slow it down, let alone pause it, no matter how much I try to cherish and savor every moment with them.
I'm already heartbroken about him not being a newborn anymore. He's eating baby food and trying to crawl and is a pro at grabbing things dangling in front of him. He has only been here on this earth outside of the womb for 6 short months, yet I feel like it's been two weeks.
At the same time, I am quickly forgetting what it was like before his existence. My heart feels whole and complete and I have already forgotten about my worries, discomfort and pain during pregnancy and giving birth.

I am also forgetting what it was like to breastfeed either of them. I try not to dwell on it too much, because if I do, I just end up crying and beating myself up until I'm no good to anyone. I just miss it so freaking much. Maybe it's because I don't plan on having anymore babies and this whole time I've been treating everything like it's my last time. My last time being pregnant. My last time giving birth. My last time pumping. My last time feeding from me. My last time holding my own flesh and blood for the first time. I was so determined to learn from my experiences with Jax. I was convinced I would breastfeed him for at least 6 months. I wanted to make it an entire year so bad. I took a manual pump to work, I took my vitamins, I stayed hydrated, I kept everything clean, I stocked up on Mommy Milk, fenugreek, post-natal milk supply supplements, brewer's yeast, you name it. I pumped constantly and fed him every chance I could. I even had a much better attitude this time around and actually enjoyed it. 
It still wasn't enough. I still dried up. I still failed him.
Nothing I can do now. At least he is happy, healthy and just a solid mass of adorable perfection.







All that being said, I truly don't believe 2016 was any worse than any previous year. At least not personally. I mean, I did lose both of my childhood cats that were both my strong towers during my darker teen years and even though Sam never got to meet Ror, Cimmy was incredibly sweet and motherly to both Ror and Jax. Especially Jax. I miss them so incredibly much.
Regardless, I got to meet my precious Roran halfway through and my little family made it through happy, healthy and pretty much unscathed. I can't ask for much more than that. I have no hard feelings regarding 2016, other than the whole Outback tragedy, but that still didn't completely break me. I'm still good. I'm still happy. I'm still here.

And if you're reading this, you are too.
Sure, we lost a good bit of celebrities and positive influences that we knew would eventually happen. Sure, we elected a shocking and controversial president from a very depressingly short list of options.
Sure, the world hasn't become any more peaceful, merciful or compassionate toward life.
But
We humans have also accomplished a lot in showing that there is still hope within us and the next generation of leaders. We have a long way to go, but we still made progress. We saved lives through conservation, education and outreach. We worked hard to raise awareness to otherwise ignored injustices. We embraced ourselves and acknowledged that we need to make changes.
We are ready for 2017.
We got this. My word, my vision for 2017 is HOPE.

I have so much to look forward to from here on out. I refuse to let anything hold me back or weigh me down. I don't view 2017 as the best year ever, but I most certainly have hope for more adventures, more challenges, more victories and more life worth sharing, cherishing and living.

So, hello, 2017.
I think it's time I show you what I got.

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