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3.07.2017

A Lot Happens


I just thought about it for the first time a few days ago, but I've only been a mom for about 3 years.

I feel like it's been for a much larger chunk of my life. I guess because it's such a drastic change going from being newly single to starting a completely new and wonderful relationship with Joshua...
to staring in terror at the two little lines on the third pregnancy test used that night...
to somehow both surviving pregnancy and managing to not scare Josh away..
to driving over an hour to the hospital in disbelief that I was in even labor..
to Jaxon being handed to me and falling head over heels harder in love than I ever imagined was possible.

If you have read enough of my previous posts, you understand what I mean when I say that
motherhood literally saved my life.

But back to my actual point, I have become a mother TWICE within the past 3 years.
Anyone else think it sounds insane when phrased like that?? I mean, it's the truth. After you turn 21, a year flies by faster than you even considered possible. If I didn't understand it before, I truly believe it now, that a-freaking-lot can happen in a year. A lot. Yet it still comes and goes so fast I can barely take it all in.

Just a short 5 years ago, I was in a relationship with someone entirely different. I was working at an entirely different restaurant. I looked different. I thought different. I dreamed different.

Just one year later, I was betrayed, newly single and had plans to move in with a friend of mine. I had just met Josh while I was working and planned our first date. The first legitimate date I had ever been on in my life at that point. [By that I mean it was with someone who actually had a car, a job, his own money, and therefore came to my door with roses, drove us to a movie and paid for everything. Until this point, I had the car and if I wanted to go out with my ex, I had to drive and pay. Yeah, I know.]

Anyway, exactly one year to the day after that date, Jaxon was born.
It's pretty much the definition of life changing. There wasn't much that didn't completely change during that year. Or ever since, honestly.

I don't regret a thing. I have truly loved every single moment of this transformation. I absolutely love everything about my own little family. I have been able to watch myself grow, blossom and rise from ashes in a way you only can when becoming a mom. I am closer to actually being the woman I dreamed of being for so long. The woman I all but gave up on becoming. I never knew that nurturing life, giving birth and being responsible for a brand new person could show me so much about myself and what I am capable of. Motherhood seriously brought out the best in me. It pulled stuff out of me from places so deep I didn't think they existed. It forced me to use strength I never thought I was capable of. It proved how big, full and desperate my heart could be for another human being.

Motherhood also showed me a lot about teamwork and mommy and daddy relationships.
I know having kids before marriage is typically frowned upon and seen as irresponsible. I understand how rare and even crazy it is that I not only am still very much with Jaxon's dad, but we went ahead and had a second one together this year. I am fully aware how abnormal the creation of our family has been. Even if I didn't get reminded daily how out of order we did things, I've understood this whole time, believe it or not.

I'm going to go ahead and say something even crazier.
I credit my love, trust, understanding and all around solid relationship with/for Josh to having both our children before conquering the marriage adventure.
Which is how we've approached all of this together; as an adventure. Not a mistake, not a burden. A brand new and scary, but promising adventure. And we've grown closer and stronger through it. We've come out more wise, more aware and yes, mature, from it. We have a long way to go and millions more adventures to go on, but we have every intention of journeying together for every single one.

I'm not saying this is the way to go for everyone. I'm not trying to sell you on any sort of relationship advice or #goals. I certainly wouldn't recommend this exact journey to anyone else because it wasn't meant for anyone else. All I could ever tell you is to stay open, stay smart, don't fear all change and don't let anyone tell you how to feel when it comes to your heart and happiness.
Because just as I don't necessarily encourage you to "do what I did", I also truly believe, with all I have in me, that I did what I was meant for, that I'm with who I'm meant for and that I've got a lot more adventures and transformations to live through.

I mean, hey. Someone had to be the black sheep, right?
We all know I've never been the most "traditional" of the bunch, anyway...
One thing is for sure; I have never felt so happy and so whole.
So if you're looking for #goals inspo, there it is. That's it.
Now go get yours.